With one arm waving free...

Since my last post I feel like I have found a new sense of peace with all that I'm doing as well as all that I'm not doing.

What am I doing? Playing. I have become completely open and receptive to the idea that the once childish feeling of running around barefoot, bellowing an honest giggle with one arm waving free can be carried into adulthood. AND BE OK! Where I'm from, and in society in general we have this mindset that all this has to stop once we're forced to start taking the endless fill-in bubble tests and "planning" for our futures. I can attest that being on that "planned" route felt like being trapped in a magician's box about to test if, in fact he can really cut you in two. I never failed, but I was never truly happy following this path.

Onto what I'm not doing. I'm not a doctor, nurse, PA, or working my way up the cubicle corporate ladder, therefore I'm not making any money. I'm not jumping into a relationship that seems to be the right thing to do in order to have a family before I'm 30. I'm not laying out a down payment on a house. I'm not spending my free time at ball games, home depot, bars, a couch, more bars, or a shopping mall. How un-American!

It's taken a recent trip home for me to completely question all of this, what I am and am not accomplishing right now. Through having every thought of quitting everything and moving back into the American "blue print" life or completely disconnecting with my family and living the stubborn "I'll do it my way" path...I've thought of it all.

The conclusion became simple through tears at the Minneapolis airport and a clearing conversation with a good friend. She reminded me the simple fact that at the end of the day it's your life, not your friends, parents, sibling, etc....and if you're not happy with how you're living then something needs to change because you'll never be happy if you aren't doing things for you. Something so simple.

So, after really fully letting all those thoughts and emotions sink in I came to this amazing sense of peace and happiness about what I am, and am not doing. Yes, I have a "job" not a "career", I'm more familiar with the changing of seasons than this week's episode of The Bachelor, and most importantly I wake up happy and excited to be living where I am and doing the things I'm doing...and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.

My Mojito

Fail.

I have had really nothing that interesting or charging to write about since Mesa Verde. Not only have I been lacking the motivation to write, I have also kind of fallen into a sort of monotonous routine of work, ride, sleep, ride, work, sleep, ride, ride, race, sleep....you get the point.

What happened to my drive? My charge?....My mojito (newly coined feminine tense for mojo) if you will...

The only thing I can come up with is that at the moment, all this inner direction is just really preoccupied with riding and racing bikes. So much that it's at the forefront of the cluster junk of thoughts in my mind everyday. When is the next race? Should I be resting? Can I afford racing? When was the last time I was on a real date? Am I hitting a plateau? Will I ever have a career? Am I pushing myself enough? I'm tired of riding by myself. Am I eating enough? When was the last time I wore something that wasn't a uniform or spandex? Am I going to be able to afford groceries this month? Do I want to try skate skiing this winter, or stick with classic? I need a new bottom bracket?!?! You know, just the normal thoughts that go through a 25 year old girls' mind!?

When it comes down to it, my mojito is truly and simply bikes and photography...photos and two wheeled heart pounding fun. I truly enjoy and love each. When the day is over I think that I've come to realize that there are not enough hours in the day nor dollars in my bank to accomplish where I would want to go with each.

Fail.

Race Recap

A week ago today I was walking around like I had gotten in a fight the night before and my head was spinning as if I decided to drink the bar dry. Was it a crazy night out in the Vail Village, body shots and laps around the pole at Whiskey Jacks? Hardly, I was in what I've now termed an "endorphin hangover" after completing 12 Hours of Mesa Verde, a 16.something mile FUN single track course that you either lap time after time solo or relay as a duo, 3, or 4 person team. Warren and Brett signed up early...so the little sister of two older brothers inside me fired up and signed up as well; thinking "If they can do it, so can I". In my childhood this mentality often got me either beat up or dropped...and the same rang true well into my 20's.

The trip down was a long drive from the Vail Valley to Cortez, CO through all of what Colorado offers for weather...sun, clouds, wind, rain, and snow. Late afternoon Warren and I rolled into town, checked out the local bike shop, parked at the race location, and as soon as we could get our spandex on we were off to check out the course! FUN!...fun fun fun. This course was about 98% single track with short climbs, fast descents, twists and turns, whoopees, and just a few technical spots to keep you on your toes! My main concern after riding that night was pacing...how do you pace on such a fun course and keep up your mojo for 12 hours???

The next day was for relaxing, one more pre-ride, and keeping the smiles going with other friends who have come to race and support. Not really knowing what the next day would bring; I was nervous...but a "I'm ready, nervous"....not a, "what the hell did I get myself into, nervous". Thankfully, Frank, Ryan, and Barry all knew how to keep the mood light...with help from Alex.

Race day. Chilly wake up, but excited for a day of riding! Pirate socks and striped spankies on...and I'm ready! The race started with a 7am Leman's start, a lap around the local dirt race track, and a little double track detour before filing into the single track. Friends with much more experience than I told me their only concern would be my pacing...and not getting caught up in everyone else doing hot laps on a team. Having this in my head I stayed back, pedaled as if I was on a fun social ride being able to chat at any moment, and started a day of self talk.

Never once throughout the day did I really feel like I was really racing; however I did stay very aware of girls on bikes with gears and orange ribbons....I still tried not to spike my exertion and stay in a good zone mentally and physically. Looking back, The two main challenges were having to hold back and ride at a slower than normal pace for the first 6 hours...and then just having to maintain that pace for the next six hours and being ok with being very uncomfortable.

Which brings me to my hell lap. Lap 4. Ipod died, I stopped to help a girl with a flat and gave her my cartridge valve, 20 minutes later I flatted, dizzy spells started, and the of numbing toes began. I wanted to quit. The remainder of my hell lap I kept reminding myself a few mantras from some great people, "Just keep pedaling", "Don't forget to have fun", "The mind is a powerful thing", and "LIZARD!"....which I later realized there were many more caterpillars on this trail than lizards, but all in all it had the same affect of bringing a smile to my face.

So that's what kept me going...I had no idea how I was doing or where I was in the mix of other solo females, but I didn't care. I came in a little pissy after lap four but that was quickly turned around as Frank fixed my front wheel, Ryan found my extra ipod and shoved food at me, and Barry yelled at me to get back on my bike..."Are you here to sit? or are you here to ride your bike!" It was just what I needed...

Lap 5: I felt strong, and even passed another geared orange ribbon lady rider. I was back to having fun, and at this point trail signs and mile markers were my entertainment and encouragement...not to mention the fancy pink horn that was secretly put on my bike the night before; it became my happy place. With some great company on my final 6th lap, I finished! DONE! Beer me!

Finishing this race felt much different than any other race I have ever done. Well, I can count the number of races I've done on one hand...all of which have been and hour or under. So, it's obviously a different feeling. I got off my bike and just felt, DONE...but good. It was the first real sense of accomplishment I had experienced in a long time. I ended up 4th out of 12 crazy solo ladies! The first finisher, having finished 7 laps and just being in a class of her own...2nd-5th completing 6 laps. Everyone else finished AWESOME! Tam/Pam placed 4th in their female duo category completing 7 laps...and Warren and Brett a strong 6 laps each in men's solo. GREAT JOB!

I walked away with a pretty sweet paper weight, a full day of fun riding, some lessons learned about my limits, and just a great weekend shared with some awesome friends new and old who enjoy riding bikes. Besides still feeling like my body is going through a bit of recovery, I can't imagine a better way to have started the season!

Minor Freak-Out....

As the days fall away one by one, inching closer to my first endurance race...a million and one questions, self doubts, and "freak-out" moments race through my mind. "Why are you doing this again?" "Have you put in enough pedal time?" "Are you resting enough" "What!? I'm going to have to RUN?!?! in my bike shoes!?" "My bike is in how many pieces 9 days before the race!"....not to mention non race thoughts and concerns having to do with living the life of a gypsy for the past four months, trying to keep it together both mentally and physically, having minute by minute scheduled family time over the weekend, and not to mention the constant resume construction process. Basically, you could say the past couple days I have been a hot mess. My mind and thoughts have run all over the place with no clarity or continuity. Knowing this too shall pass I need to just remember a few things...

1. Have Fun. I'm doing this because it's fun. I love to ride my bike. Simple. I'm not doing this to "beat" anyone but the race itself. Having really only started mountain biking last summer and not necessarily having the most successful first summer of racing (ie. landing on my head ending in lights out/stretcher/ER)...this race, to me...is a test. It's motivated me to get on my bike early and frequently. The technical part of riding is where I lack, most definitely...but I'm realizing that it's just going to continue to be a trial and error process...that seems to result in mud, blood, and bruises. Mud and blood wash off and bruises heal....right??!! :)

2. Enjoy the Process. Looking back at the endurance events I have done support for in the past, keeping the day/week as seamless as possible was crucial...and never worked as you "planned"...but you were always there to help the racer(s) with whatever you could. Now that it's MY turn to bare some long hours of spandex time, I'm really looking forward to enjoying the process in its entirety. I'm very fortunate to be sharing the spandex time with a few coworkers and friends. Brett, Warren, and myself were the brilliant ones who signed up solo and Tam and Pam ( team TamaPamaLam if you will ) luckily snagged a duo entry from a couple who dropped out. Not to mention the dream team we've conned into supporting this motley crew; Barry, Frank, and Ryan are sure to keep our spirits up and bellies filled...THANKING YOU all in advance for doing this! From pre-race pep talks to mid race attempt to keep a lady's discretion on chamois butter application to post race ass slaps and high fives...I'm looking forward to enjoying anything and everything that the day might bring.

3. Do Well. Finally, I want to do well. I want to finish the day and think, "I did as well as my body allowed"...yes, I want to have fun...and enjoy the process of the day...but my fear of sucking gives me the last thing to remember...and that's to do well. This doesn't mean, win or even place...just finish the day feeling as though I did as well as I could...

So, there you have it...nerves are tamed, mind is a bit more clear...oh, and did I mention it's a Pirate themed race...?!

Sometimes the best way to move forward is to go back. Go back, into the experience of your life, and remind yourself why.

Go back and remember why you're where you are, why you're doing whatever you're doing. Go back and remember what truly matters to you.

In your mind, go back to a time and a place when life felt positively magical. Realize that the magical feeling is still very much a part of you.

See that now, too, is magical. Understand that your best possibilities are with you even now.

Go back and appreciate all the good things you have ever had. From a deep and profound sense of gratitude, know that in this very time is the potential for more joy than ever before.

Go back, and see that all the goodness that ever was, still is. Now, carry all that goodness with you as you continue to move positively forward.

-- Ralph Marsto

This morning I got up and wasn't necessarily feeling my own sense of inspiration. I can't help but get down every now and then when I don't feel a real forward movement. That sense was quickly redirected when I did a little morning devotional and came across this reading. Hope you enjoy and have a wonderful Sunday! :)

Where you're going...

Come May, I’ll have lived here for three years. In the past two of those three sets of 365 days, the idea of moving has loomed over my head like a gray cloud. So many friends have come and gone. Almost to the point when I meet someone new the thought of, “well, they’ll go onto something bigger and better soon so why get too close” would always cross my mind. I feel as though in the past few months I have been tested a lot and the once gray cloud of feeling the need to leave, has now seemed like the silver lining of motivation to progress to something a little more sustainable, meaningful, and basically something more real.

Don’t get me wrong; there is nothing I know that would give me a bigger smile than a great day on skis, bike, or foot in the company of the mountains. However, I’ve come to realize that this is the problem. I don’t know what else would make me happy…and I find myself not happy if I don’t get to play in some way each day. In a way, this is a bit of a selfish outlook on life. Yeah, it’s fun...but whom am I really sharing it with? Where will it take me? 50 years old, working 3 jobs, a jeep full of gear, and probably some great photos of some great experiences. What won’t be captured in snap shots would be wedding cake smashed onto my face, crowded car family vacations, opening the door of a first home, a repulsed child’s face the first time he or she tries vegetables…. these are the images that are worth more than a powder day.

In a perfect world I would have the best of both worlds, but in reality I feel as though I need give a lot more than take to eventually get the happy medium I think I deserve.

....

What are you doing right now in your life? Each day, what is your routine? Wake up, coffee, gym, work, home, dinner, bed, lather rinse repeat? Whatever it is, how do you know that this is the life you were called to live? The 9-5 grind, the frivolous day to day strive to play, or just the loafing into whatever the day gives. Each lifestyle represents with its repercussions, the parent who misses out on quality time with their children, the 20 something hopeful never reaching financial security, or the bum who just has a hard time getting off the couch. These routines need to be challenged to reach the goals we want to attain in our lives.

I'm finding more and more that this valley doesn't provide much opportunity for growth. It's a nestled little happy bubble in a security blanket that is our nation. The more I live here, the stronger I get physically, but intelligently weaker and weaker as the days roll by. Change is long past due, but hopefully the small steps I'm taking will open that door soon.