Alone?

sappy thoughts this evening, but do you ever sit and wonder... maybe I'm better off alone?

Recently, I've been very blessed with an amazing person in my life. Someone who is so sweet, kind, patient, supportive... the list could go on. So what's missing? Something is... and I can't quite put my finger on it. So knowing someone else is in it 110% and I'm teetering on 75%... I've made the decision to cut it off. As difficult as this is, it's liberating. Feel a sense of relief, freedom, and complete independence.

With these feelings also come the looming thought of, "Will I be alone for the rest of my life?"... is there someone out there where it's a mutual 110%? Am I living in a fantasy world?

I guess that's for me to find out as I still have a few years in my 20's to figure it out... or will find a re route of thoughts into my 30's to be confident and secure on my own.

In the meantime, I'm along for the ride... and holding on.

Love.

Love. That four letter word that so many people find so easily to roll off their tongue... a word that I tend to hold to myself and not throw out into the world so freely. Until this evening.

Am I in love, no... but realizing the importance of sharing this word with those in our lives that keep us moving. Family, friends, maybe a companion. Use it, express it... openly give back the feeling you receive from the ones you care deeply about.

My evening has given me an overwhelming amount of perspective. Starting with an amazing yoga practice with one of the instructors who really brought me into my practice. Just visiting the studio after moving away; everyone was there; familiar, smiling faces. Energy was high and flowing, finding equal and opposite efforts in effort and rest; pushing and letting go. I left feeling a complete balance of invigoration and clarity. I checked my phone, as I do too often and responded to a few texts and listened to a concerning voicemail from my mother. Wondering if I had done something to cause a lecture, I was hesitant to call back, but did. Her voice immediately gave a sense of forced strength told me to pull over and park my car. I did just that, and there it hit; "Your cousin Andy was killed today by a drunk driver".

Silence. My stomach began to turn and immediately crumbled; words couldn't come out... just gasps for air. All I could think to say was, I love you. I love you so much.

I come from a very traditional small town Minnesota family, and my cousin Andy was always one to not follow the "norm". Something we saw in each other and always held onto that connection. Although, our paths are very different we both share the drive to follow our passion. His path has always been jest-fully poked at in our family; ghost chaser to storm chaser. He was following his passion, and leaving his mark along the way. It was what moved him, his parents supported him and he made it. Google, "Andy Gabrielson" and you'll see he's known and admired for the purpose driven life he lived. Something most people never tap into as they stay safely behind their cubicles and 401ks.

At 24, Andy is no longer here due to someone's poor decision to drink and get behind the wheel. Anger, resentment, and blame are all worthless reactions. Instead, I'm happy to know at such a young age Andy was able to live his passion. For that, I hope to find an extra skip to my step to keep chasing my dream and hope to inspire others to do the same.

Another cousin reminded me something he had said at our Grandma Audrey's funeral, and that's, "I wish heaven was this far (a very young Andy's arm span); so that we can see and talk to her anytime".

I love you Andy Gabrielson, and thank you for never questioning and always supporting my restlessness. You will be truly missed, but never forgotten.

If you're going to San Francisco...

It seems as though the moment my life begins to sift into a structured schedule, I seek out any opportunity to stir it up. Which is exactly what has landed me in the Bay Area for the past week (+).

I'm really trying my best to stick to my training schedule. However, I've definitely gone off route a touch... whoops. Thus far, this has been my stay:

Friday: off the plane immediately to a mellow Paradise Loop

Saturday: MTB: RR, Eldridge, RR, Coastal, Diaz, Miwok

Sunday: Road: Alpine Dam

Monday: MTB: China Camp

Tuesday: MTB: Weights + Tamarancho (+) B17-Whites Hill

Wednesday: MTB: Tamarancho w/ stupid crash

Thursday: MTB: China Camp + Yoga

Friday: Road: SF-SV-4 corners via Marion-Muir Woods-Paradise Loop-SV-SF

Saturday: Road: SF-Headlands Loop-Stinson Loop-SF

I probably get negative points for having 1 to far more than 1 drink/night and deviating from the Apex Nutrition plan... but a good SF friend told me, "You only live once, until you live again".

From outside looking in, seems like a pretty fantastic life... and for the most part I'd have to agree... but nothing is ever as good as it looks. My views on "the big picture" have continually restructured and redefined as each year goes by. Yes, my goals are very race driven right now... but being back I'm realizing if I'm meant to race I can't sanely go day by day and be 100% train, bike, rest, train, rest, repeat. So much of the journey is lost thinking of living my life like that. Seems very egotistical. Kind of makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall to think the most exciting part of my day would be the duration and intensity of intervals.

Give me thrill, sarcasm, adrenaline, spontaneous adventure, challenge, art, culture, genuine compassion, education, meditation... excitement.

It's there, and possible.. even if I really want to be a bicycle racer when I grow up... I know it. If not... well, at least I gave it a shot and have given and gained new perspective in the process.

Thank you SF for teaching me far more than how to ride steep steeps!